Adjusting to our new reality

So we couldn't put decisions off anymore. The question quickly became "What do we do now?"

My mom couldn't be alone anymore (she's been living alone for about 20 years). My brother and his wife had previously asked my mom if she wanted to live with them, and she had steadfastly refused. She is very proud of her independence and her own home and planned to stay in it as long as possible. Yet, she needs supervision now. We knew there was some home care available through local agencies, but until we could get that arranged she still needed supervision in her home.

Since AC was going to school (and caring for my mom should not be his responsibility anyway) the only realistic option was for me to come out there as soon as possible. So a few days after my miscarriage surgery I packed up and came out to be with my mom and AC.

Still recuperating, I was immediately plunged deeply into my mother's life. I had to put my own needs and recent loss behind me quickly. I knew it would be hard, but I wasn't prepared for how hard it really would be.

Naively, I thought I could just come stay with her and keep her company, help her out with tasks at home, make sure she was eating properly, etc. I'm a natural caregiver, so I thought I would even enjoy it a bit. I was looking forward to doing something meaningful and good for my mother, as she has been so caring and generous to us over the years since we were children.

My siblings were so grateful that I could drop everything and be there for her, but I felt completely unwelcome and unwanted by my mother. Any change to her routine makes her more anxious, so my very presence causes her much agitation. Yet, she could not be left on her own, and it would take awhile to arrange for any other kind of home care, so we were all stuck with this situation.

At the time, we didn't even know how long I'd need to be there. For sure we knew I had to stay long enough to make doctor appointments and help make care arrangements, which meant several weeks at best. But we also knew it would be likely that AC and I would have to move here to care for her on a longer term basis. This was something AC and I had discussed months ago in anticipation of my mother's declining health. We just thought it might be a year or more down the road.

So very quickly our lives changed. One day AC and I were blissfully living in our own house in a beautiful rural part of BC expecting our first child and making plans for AC's own business in the New Year after he finishes his school. Then in a matter of days, we lose our baby, leave our home, give up our privacy, abandon our plans for AC's business, and move in with my ailing mother. It all happened so fast that I still haven't really gotten my head around it.

That alone would be difficult, but on top of that I have found my mother's moods extremely difficult. Her confusion has caused mistrust and paranoia. She also finds it very hard to communicate and to understand things much of the time. This leads to her becoming frustrated and angry at me a lot. She says hurtful things and treats me condescendingly. I never know what might offend her, so it's difficult to avoid.

Interestingly, she never directs anger toward AC. Only to me. It makes me angry too. She doesn't understand that I gave up my whole life so that I could take care of her health and safety. I know her illness makes her incapable of understanding, but it still hurts a lot. I don't really want to be here living with her, but somebody has to, and I was in the best position to do so, and caring for your parents is just something that children must do, so I do.