Communication problems

My mother and I used to have such a great relationship. She was a great conversationalist and very thoughtful and kind. I didn't realize how much of that would be gone. I didn't expect this at all or how difficult simple communication would be.

I am learning how to converse with her to avoid conflict, but it's never fail-proof. Any random thing could make her agitated or angry. Sometimes I smile and try to maintain a happy atmosphere and she accuses me of laughing at her. Often I'll say something totally innocuous (like "I'm not hungry for lunch right now"), and she'll accuse me of being mean to her. She berates me for my behaviour when I am sitting quietly and not doing anything that can possibly annoy her. She says I'm oversensitive! It's like her ability to read tone and mood has gotten totally messed up.

I am learning to let things roll off my back, but keeping a shield up all the time is exhausting, and sometimes it really gets to me. In the first two or three weeks she made me cry every day. Now I hardly ever cry about what she says anymore, although inside I'm fuming at the unjustness of the situation. Maybe soon I'll learn not to fume at all.

I have learned there is absolutely no point in trying to argue or explain when she misunderstands me or says something untrue. It just gets worse, and she will change the subject ten times and argue about all ten subjects back to back and expect me to understand her point. When this happens, I have to just swallow any reflex response to try to rationalize and wait for her to be finished. I can never show her she's wrong and can't defend myself. I just wonder "What did I do?"

I never had a bad relationship with either of my parents growing up, so I've never known what it was like to be put down and insulted by my parents. Now I get this treatment from her almost every day, and it's horrible, horrible, horrible. I'm almost 40, but I feel like a child might feel.

I know this is part of her illness. But sometimes I wonder if she knows what she's saying and she really means it. Some part of her must surely mean what she's saying, however misguided and confused it may be.

Sometimes it helps to just stay away from her (do some work or reading in another room, for example). The less interaction, the less chance of conflict. But if she's having a bad day, she works herself up into an anxious state when she's left alone too long, which results in her developing paranoia. It's always a double-edged sword around here.