Validation & progress

Today my mom had a visit from a new person from the complex web of the medical system. This was a nurse (I'll call her AW) whose job it is to assess the specific needs for her well-being. For example, whether she should be referred to a geriatric psychiatrist, whether she would benefit from attending an adult day care centre, whether she should have a nutritional analysis done, etc.

AW conducted some detailed tests and assessments to determine the stage and nature of my mom's dementia as well as her psychological well-being. In the follow-up call to me, AW told me my mom's illness was significantly advanced. She said she was surprised my mom hasn't been given more attention to her illness sooner, and that most people at her stage were at least already on medication to help slow the speed of progression. She also said that my mom should not live alone, and that most people at her level of progression live in care homes.

None of this is a surprise to me. It actually feels good to hear it from an expert. These are the very same issues that my sister and I have been having differing opinions about. I'm the one who spends the most time with my mom, does the most research about her illness, talks to all of her specialists, and attends the support groups. Yet I don't feel like I'm being heard, as if all that doesn't matter.

Now I feel validated. I have questioned my opinions at times, because my sister is a doctor so there's a sense of "the doctor" being right about medical issues. She has also unintentionally really damaged my self esteem by implying that I may be taking advantage of my mother by not wanting to find a place of my own right away. So I just feel good knowing that my own judgment is valid and valuable.

AW described some of the test questions that my mom was unable to answer correctly, and it was truly dismal. My mom couldn't count backwards from 5. She couldn't draw the face of a clock. She didn't know roughly what date it was or even what season it was. She couldn't remember her kids' names (she has been calling me by my sister's name since I got here). She couldn't write a simple sentence that was dictated to her.

These specifics did surprise me a bit, as she manages fairly well within her own home. It reminds me how well she hides her confusion (although it is obvious in other ways). It also concerns me because my mom is still very much in denial. She knows she is "having some problems", but she refuses to accept that they are severe. This makes her very difficult to help.

We have an appointment in a couple of weeks with another geriatrician. I've heard really good things about this doctor. The doctor will likely recommend some medication. She will also give us the full low-down about the results of the CT scan my mom had done a couple of weeks ago. She may order a few more tests, but this visit will likely be a major milestone in getting my mom properly diagnosed and understanding the nature of her illness. I'm very much looking forward to it!

I feel a lot of relief today because of the validation and progress that has occurred!