The "new normal"?

It’s been so long now that my mom has been in a consistent good mood that it is apparent that this is her “new normal”. Thank goodness for that, because her prior state (starting from when I arrived in mid November until we left for our trip back home at the end of January) was just unbearable! She was defensive, combative, suspicious, ungrateful and downright hurtful. Having to just swallow all of that without disagreement day after day was painful and draining.

I think a lot of it has to do with her just getting used to us being around. She has been asking for a lot more help since this change has occurred. She seems more helpless and submissive. She seems to be allowing herself to surrender more to her confusion, whereas before she was fighting against it.

But AC brought up an interesting question: Is it a symptom of her disease progression? i.e. Did she experience a development of her illness that caused a mental change to occur? I would not be surprised if that was true. There comes a point when one can’t fight against the dementia because it has tipped the scale. Maybe we’re witnessing the tipping point right now.

Whatever the cause, it has been a welcome change for us all. I actually look forward to getting up in the morning again. It has also brought me and my mom closer again. I really enjoy being with her now, and am even grateful for being able to spend so much time with her while we still have that chance.

Her funny nonsensical comments amuse me now, and we often laugh together. She doesn’t treat me like an enemy anymore. I am finding myself letting down the shields that I had to put up to keep from being injured by her anger and suspicion. This is a great feeling, because I was stifling everything I felt towards her – good and bad – just to protect myself. And I no longer have to.

But in allowing myself to feel again, I am also feeling more sadness and pity. I was unable to feel these fully before, because I was stifling my whole emotional centre just to survive. I could feel sorry for myself, but it was hard to sustain enough empathy and compassion for her when she despised me and mistrusted me. It took every last ounce of my energy.

Now that I can love my mom again, I feel the deep sorrow of losing her. Before, I felt it only on an intellectual level. Now that I feel her kindness again, I fully feel the utter horror and unfairness of her having to lose her memories, her self-confidence, her intellect, her freedom, her personality, her identity and everything else that will eventually be insidiously taken little by little. My energy is now aimed at trying not to dwell on pity, and trying to make this time the best quality time we can make it.

The time now is bittersweet.