Birthday

This weekend was my mom's 68th birthday.

I had been thinking a lot about what to do for her birthday. Should we invite people over to celebrate? Should we keep it quiet and uneventful? Should we go somewhere special? It is very difficult to know what is appropriate, because she is so uncomfortable in social situations, doesn't like trying new things, and we cannot know what her mood will be like.

I asked her in advance what she wanted to do for her birthday, and she was totally evasive and gave me a completely nonsensical answer. Thinking that an open-ended question was too daunting for her to answer, I made a couple of specific suggestions. She actually said no to my ideas, but I'm pretty sure it was only because she couldn't quite understand what I was proposing. Furthermore, she has a tendency to refute my ideas simply because they are my ideas, and if she's in a non-cooperative mood, she will not be agreeable to anything I say, regardless of what it is.

We decided it was not possible to plan anything involving other people, because she has been so up-and-down lately that it was fairly likely that plans would have to be canceled.

My sister and her family were still in Europe, so me and AC came up with the idea to take her to Stanley Park for a long walk along the lagoon and to see the flowers bloom in the gardens, and then casually suggest that we go for lunch at one of the restaurants in the park.

My mom is absolutely wild about flowers. Strolling through flower gardens is pretty much guaranteed to make her happy, and she always used to enjoy having a fancy lunch on her birthday.

The morning of her birthday we suggested our plan, and she immediately became uncooperative. She was convinced that my brother was supposed to come over (he wasn't) and that she had to wait for him.

I made her favourite cake (Black Forest cake), and when I finished it she grimaced and said "Yuck! I hate those cakes! I can't even stand to look at it!" Then, when it seemed as if she was finally ready to put her shoes on and come to the car so that we could go to the park, she said "Do you really need me for this? You can go without me, can't you?" She was downright bratty!

I don't want to seem like I'm dismissive of her wishes, but I know my mom very well, and I knew she would love being in the park. Unfortunately, there is no way to convince her of that. But we kept trying (in the various imaginative ways that caregivers inevitably learn). Finally she did agree to come. But she warned us:"If there are a lot of people there, I might have to cry." That's when I knew her protestations were primarily about social anxiety.

AC and I both knew she could potentially have a bad episode, but we were almost certain that the trip would cheer her up instead. I also didn't feel right about just giving up and not doing anything special for her birthday. She's still lucid enough to enjoy happy times, and I know she might not be able to enjoy many more birthdays in her future.

She was a complete grouch in the car and wouldn't look at the things I pointed out to her through the window. But as soon as we parked by the lagoon and got out, she began to perk up. By the time we got to the rhododendron gardens, she was even cheerful. She pointed out all the interesting plants and birds and oohed and ahhed over every baby or small child that passed by. The rose gardens didn't have any roses yet, but were profusely blooming with hyacinths, pansies, tulips, narcissus, daffodils, and primulas. It was so stunning, there could be no possible way someone couldn't be happy seeing it.

Then we drove to Prospect Point to the restaurant. It was heinously overpriced, but it had such a nice view, and it has the type of food and atmosphere my mom enjoys. At first she was intimidated by how busy it was, but we got a great table by the window where she could see the ocean and the Lion's Gate bridge. We all had a really nice time and enjoyed our food.

When we got home, we ran into neighbours that used to spend a lot of time with my mom before she got sick. We invited them over for coffee and cake. We had enough time to relax and regroup before they came over. I was really glad they came, because my mom doesn't see her friends too often anymore. We all enjoyed the cake, including my mom.

Later, we gave her her birthday presents. We got her a gardenia plant and an outdoor thermometer in the shape of a beautiful carved hummingbird. She loved the gardenia, but I don't know if she liked the hummingbird, because she wouldn't let me put it up and she packed it away in its box. I think it's hiding in her room somewhere now. Oh well.

So in the end, she loved the park, enjoyed the restaurant, had a nice time seeing friends, and even liked her birthday cake! We were happy that she had another nice birthday under her belt, and glad that we didn't give up trying to make it special.