First successful week of home care

This was my first week of working full time at my new job. The job is everything I'd hoped for -- a good balance of being interesting and challenging without being too stressful. Having the financial stability again, along with the great benefits package, is already doing a lot towards alleviating some of my stress, making it easier to deal with my mom when I am at home.

It was a stressful week for her. She had her first two home care visits, and although they went well, she is having a hard time accepting the fact that she needs them. She has been crying more often and has become more touchy. Although it's not as bad as a few weeks ago, she has been directing more anger towards me again.

She has started obsessing over her calendar, which is always tough because she doesn't understand calendars anymore, so trying to explain her schedule to her when she insists always creates a lot of anxiety for both of us. I can't seem to distract her from it. I can see that she is trying to hang on to whatever feeling of control that she can, although it is clearly slipping away. This must be a very frightening feeling.

AC has been caring for her during the time when the home care workers are not here while I am at work. He is an absolute angel. He is so good with her and she loves him. I marvel at his patience and devotion toward this situation.

But these two visits a week are just a "warm up". When AC is able to work again, my mom will need all-day care. Hopefully she will get used to these first visits so that she won't have too hard a time with the full-time assistance when that time comes.

As a family, we have to get used to making unpleasant decisions for her. I find myself feeling afraid to set up the home care because I know how much she hates it. I try hard to let her anger roll off my back, but being under so much stress myself I am also extra sensitive, and it just feels like a little dagger in the heart every time she blames me for something, even though I don't show it. They say you just can't take these things personally, but as a daughter you can't completely turn off your feelings.

However, having a job now is helpful to me psychologically as well, because for at least 8 hours a day I can think about and do other things, which was impossible while I was at home with her all the time. Being at work this past week helped me relax a bit, and I feel a lot better than I did last week.