Personal stress :(

I've been feeling a serious period of anxiety the last few days. I've had trouble sleeping, trouble with motivation, bad tension and pain in my back, neck and shoulders, and other bodily aches. I've also been emotionally ultra-sensitive. Yesterday while walking the dog, I couldn't stop dwelling on negative things and had a crying fit for almost an hour (hiding my tears behind sunglasses). I haven't had a crying fit for 2 months before that.

I feel like I want to run away and forget everything (except AC!).

I know this stress is because of change. The last 2 months I had a really good phase where we were all managing things better and I felt like I knew what was on the horizon. Feeling that semblance of stability for a little while really helped.

But we recently had to step up our home care planning, because I'm starting my new full-time job on Monday. I think I've become stressed mainly for two reasons:

1. I spent too much of my personal "downtime" doing research, planning and making calls related to my mom's illness and home care instead of taking time for myself.
2. I am deeply afraid that my mom will not react positively to having home care and will lash out at me for it (the way she took everything out on me the first few weeks after I arrived). I don't want to go back to that terrible time!
   

...I suppose I'm a bit anxious about starting a new job too, but that concern is so minute compared the fear of having my mom resentful and suspicious towards me again. Besides, I'm really excited to have a place away from home to go to that enables me to focus on and accomplish other things.

I'm trying to remember not to worry about something until/unless I have to worry about it (after all, she might actually enjoy the home care). And of course I really need to do more things to take care of myself.

I also need to cut down on the Alzheimer's research. I've been devouring books and articles and taking a class about it, and I realize it's just been an overload and making me depressed. I thought I would be a bad daughter if I didn't take it upon myself to educate myself to the fullest about my mom's disease, but it's just too much. I think I know enough for the time being.

I think I'm going to read some escapism and ban anything Alzheimer's-related during the little personal time that I have. I'm going to protect myself from negativity, and I'm also going to work on increasing my personal time (which includes time with AC). I feel like I'm always fighting for personal time...it's so tiring.

I'm looking towards next week with both apprehension and hope.