Tough questions

Ugh. Today my mom brought up the topic of "Why are you here?" and "What relationship do you have to me and my house?"

Me and AC were getting ready to go out (a rare opportunity for us to to have some private time and see healthy people our own age) and she cornered me in the bathroom asking "What is the difference between you being able to go out when you want and I can't?" She then went on to ask several other nonsensical things that I didn't understand, but I did understand that her general concern was that she was resentful of us having freedom. Going out together for 3 or 4 hours every couple of months is not exactly what I call freedom, but that's not something that she understands.

This is extremely uncomfortable and difficult for me to talk about with her. Any time I remind her about her illness, she is dubious. She doesn't remember her doctor appointments and she thinks that I'm just making things up to control her. Her tone is accusatory, and I can tell she doesn't trust me.

It may be selfish, but I also wasn't prepared to get into a serious conversation about this at the time. Opportunities to go out and have fun are so extremely rare that I was afraid to talk about it and risk her becoming anxious and upset, which would mean having to cancel our plans because it's not safe to leave her at home in that condition. So I was a bit evasive and tried to distract her from the topic.

In many ways that's not fair. She does need to be reminded of her illness so that she may sometimes understand why she is the way she is. I think her not knowing why she has memory lapses, anxiety attacks, confusion, and speech problems just exacerbates her anxiety. And if she could remember that she has Alzheimer's she might not give me such a hard time for always being around and taking care of things for her.

But it scares me so much to talk to her about it. She always gets angry and suspicious of me. I have never felt any gratitude from her for helping her stay in her home, taking care of errands that she can't do, and being her medical advocate. I know her disease makes her incapable of it, but it still makes me feel so downtrodden.

It is becoming clearer and clearer that we have to get out of here. We can't continue living with her, even though it may mean that she will have to live in a care home sooner because of it. We'll try to have a live-in caregiver so that she can stay at home as long as possible, but the costs are exorbitant, and it may not last very long.

It may also do her good to have someone who is not her relative taking care of her. They will be able to be more honest with her. And I realize that my soul is just dying a little more every day bearing the brunt of her resentment. I just wish she would treat me like she loves me and is grateful for my help.