She hates me today

Ugh, today has been a huge challenge.
I awoke to my mom having another full-on anxiety attack.

She had neatly placed her calendar on the table, with her box of pills tidily arranged beside the blister-pack of pills and the medication information sheet laid neatly beside that. She must have been working herself into a fit trying to make sense of it. She came to me for some hugs and was crying.

Between sobs she barraged me with questions about what day it is and what is happening today and when she should take her pill. I helped her take her morning pill and she made me put a check mark in her calendar to show that she had taken it (although that will not make any sense to her later). Then she calmed down a bit said she was going back to bed.

When she says she's going to bed, she usually goes upstairs a few minutes and comes right back down a few times. But finally she stayed in bed for a stretch.

Later when she came back down I suggested she get dressed and we could go out for a walk and do some errands. She seemed very happy with that.

As soon as we were driving a few minutes she already started getting ornery. I think she had a place in her mind where she thought we were going, and when it turned out to be someplace else, she got grouchy. We went to a riverside park and let the dog run around off leash while we walked, and she seemed to enjoy herself.

Then I drove us to the pharmacy where I had to pick up some vitamins. She waited in the car in the parking lot with the dog. Right beside the row of shops is a beautiful little community botanical garden that my mom loves. I suggested we go stroll through it before we go home and she agreed.

That's when the trouble ensued. As we left the car, the dog started barking. This upset her quite a bit, but I assured her that the dog was fine and he'll stop barking in a minute or two. She then became quarrelsome and asked me why I dragged her here. I asked if she wanted to go home, but she was evasive and just said things like "It depends" and "I don't know". But she wouldn't let it drop, and brought up the barking dog again, and asked why I needed to go to this garden. I told her I thought she'd enjoy it, but she said she has been here so many times before and doesn't need to see it again. I asked her if she wanted to go home, but she wouldn't say "yes", so I told her "Well I'd really like to take a moment to enjoy the flowers, so let's just look around a bit more and then we can go home".

I should mention at this point that there are often times when I feel like I've just given all I can give, and I feel I deserve a little enjoyment. This was one of those moments. I should have skipped the garden and gone straight home with her, but I really craved just a few minutes in the tranquility of the garden -- just 5 minutes doing something I want to do for a change.

But she just got madder. She accused me of acting like a baby and said we were not getting along so she was going to walk home by herself. It's a 5-kilometer walk back home, and it's just not safe to let her walk that far by herself especially when she is upset. I tried to distract her from this thought by oohing and ahhing over some flowers and changing the subject, but it didn't work. By the time we got back to the car, she remembered she was going to walk home alone and announced she would meet me at home and she didn't want me to come with her.

I told her she couldn't walk home by herself, and she got even angrier. She demanded to know why not, and I mentioned that her doctors wouldn't allow it, and she said "What doctors?" and I tried to explain that she's not well enough to walk home alone and she said she's been doing it for years and told me she wouldn't let me run her life, and we started having a big verbal brawl in the parking lot.

I finally gave in and let her go. I followed her for a bit to make sure she was on the right path. Then I called AC to tell him what happened. He talked me into following her the whole way home and he'd come pick up the car later. So I got the dog and locked the car and tried to catch up with her.

But I never did catch up with her. The dog got unruly and engaged in numerous games with other dogs along the way and by the time I got him back on the leash, she was too far ahead. I was so tired and feeling really bitchy by the time I got home. She was already at home, having forgotten the incident and acting as though nothing happened.

Although I know this is all part of her illness and she can't help it and she doesn't remember most of our altercations, I am feeling really angry at her right now. I don't want to talk to her or interact with her for as long as I can possibly manage it.

I try and try to do nice things for her and do things that I think she'll enjoy, but it rarely seems to work out, and it's never appreciated. I just get chastised instead. I don't think she'll ever be happy with me anymore. It's deeply disheartening.