worsening anxiety

My mom is having "bad" days almost all the time now. It is anxiety related. She has episodes of sobbing and hyperventilation combined with confusion at least once a day, often twice or three times. They usually last one or two hours, sometimes longer. During this time, she usually blames me for something and is very angry at me, so I'm unable to soothe her.

Although I know it is caused by her overall feeling of losing control, it manifests itself as excessive worry over her calendar. Several times a day she pores over her calendar and tries to make sense of it. Unfortunately, she doesn't understand calendars anymore, and can't even locate the current date. Yet she gets angry at me for planning her life and putting things in her calendar "without consulting her".

Half of the time I do consult her, but the rest of the time I don't because it will cause her to become so anxious over it. And since she no longer understands instructions or has an understanding of dates and times, she can't keep appointments herself.

We have come up with ways for her to avoid getting anxious over her calendar. The main thing was to stop writing anything in it. Somehow we have forgotten this and begun filling her calendar again. It would be great if we could hide it from her completely, but she is very attached to it and would have a fit. Besides, I'm quite certain she would just transfer her anxiety to something else.

For example, today out of the blue she walked into the room, crying and hyperventilating and accusing us of using her telephone book. She repeated that it was hers and it was the only thing left and everybody can't be using it (at least that's what we gleaned from her nonsensical blustering). She said she keeps it under her pillow (which she doesn't) and didn't like seeing it out in the open beside the phone. She was completely beside herself about this, and there was nothing we could say to appease her, and certainly could not explain that she was upset over nothing.

I think this difficulty may be related to the fact that she doesn't have a steady routine. Things have taken a downturn since her home care started. We have been getting government-subsidized home care, and they send different people all the time. I think she'd do a lot better with one main caregiver in order to create more stability from day to day.

Although our family has not been keen about falling back on pharmaceuticals to control her behaviour, I am definitely starting to lean towards trying it now. The argument against it is that we shouldn't give her drugs just to make things easier for "us", which I still agree with. But it is becoming so apparent to me that she is suffering terribly by the dysfunctional meanderings of her mind. I think if there was something that could calm her mind and prevent these terrible episodes, she would have a much better quality of life.

As well, I will not be able to stand this state much longer. It is so hard to watch her freaking out and to be so powerless. And despite my efforts to let it roll of my back, it still hurts me so much to be the object of her resentment, which I do not deserve in any way. At some point, it will be too much for me to bear and I'll need to move out. I hope at that time that she will be agreeable to having a live-in caregiver. Because the only other option is moving her to a care home, which is the very last resort. However, both of these options are extremely expensive, and I'm also worried that the money will run out.

I guess I'm saying I now support trying some meds that could help her anxiety. If they work, then maybe we will all be able to live happily together again and she will not be so tormented. I'm going to start advocating for this.