Me and my mom's relationship

Since it has been going on for so long now, I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that my mom really hates me now. She has been developing a deep resentment for a long time over specific things that I can understand -- such as arranging her schedule for care and all her medical appointments -- but now I realize that her feelings are pathological and out of control.

Her illness prevents her from being able to reason and use logic, so her hatred of me which began as perhaps quite reasonable and expected resentment has become twisted and exaggerated in her head. She very seriously thinks that I am trying to use mind control on her, and that I am manipulative, untrustworthy, and have some kind of ulterior motives.

I have to walk on eggshells around her all the time. There is nothing that I can do right in her eyes. Everything I do she complains about (yet if anyone else does exactly the same thing, she is so grateful). She feels extremely sorry for herself that she has a daughter like me. She complains about me to everyone who comes to see her (the nurses, doctors, home care workers, our neighbours, the rest of my family).

I have been forced to try to avoid one-on-one time with her, because it always deteriorates into a bad situation. She would rather have nothing at all to do with me, and I am trying to appease her in that regard, if it helps her avoid feeling angry or anxious.

Lately, she has been turning every conversation with me into a fight -- which of course I can never win, because you should never argue with a person with dementia. It is a very hard balancing act when she's berating me and accusing me and I cannot correct her misconceptions, nor do I want to leave her with the impression that she is right. I can't even show her that I am upset.

Typical confrontation management skills are useless with her. When I acquiesce and say "Yes, I understand" or "I didn't know you felt that way, I'll try to do better" she still accuses me of being insincere and trying to mess with her mind. I can neither agree with her nor disagree with her. Yet she is happy and grateful towards everyone else -- anyone else but me.

Despite the fact that I know her behaviour is all part of her illness, it is still devastating to be thought of in such a bad way, especially when I know the exact opposite is true. Nothing can seem to eliminate the need for a child to be loved and accepted by his or her mother. Having grown up in a warm, loving, supportive family and having had an excellent relationship with her all my life, I never thought I would feel such emptiness and rejection. It is so unbearable that I can only continue to try to not feel anything.

I do not have a martyr complex either -- I take care of the things that she can't do and that my siblings don't have time to do and that's all there is to it. I would welcome more help, and covet the day I can pass on the responsibility to others. It just happens to be at a much larger emotional cost than any of us expected, and now it's hard to cope. I need help too. But my support system is not as robust as my mother's is, and some days I feel like it's as unstable as water running through my fingers.

As I have mentioned previously, this is obviously an unsustainable situation for both my mother and I. If I could leave today and not come come back to her house I would. But of course making new care arrangements takes time. September 1st is still our move-out date, and it is lying ahead like a bright shining beacon, with open arms inviting us back to a world of peace, happiness and normalcy. It is the only thing holding me together right now.